an honest post

I'm trying to make up my mind about something. Is not having internet access at my flat a good or bad thing? I've reached that point where I'm starting to get a little homesick… and by a little, I mean that I teared up at work yesterday when I thought about how much I'm already missing my dad… and how I don't get to see him for another six and a half months. On the other hand, not having internet access at my fingertips forces me to let go of home and wallow less than I'm tempted to do. I think in the long run it's a good thing, but that's not stopping me from really hating it right now. Is it much to ask of a mob boss to install some wireless internet? And maybe give us a kitchen table while he's at it? I really think it's a rational request.

I think I need to do some things differently while I'm here. First, I need to stop reading the newspapers they hand out on the tube. To save myself from bordom (and the constant barrage of my own thoughts), I usually flip through it on my commute to or from work. Problem: everyday there's some terror story about psychos roaming the streets late at night causing havoc. Granted, these stories are always in a bad part of town… where I never am. These horrible things always happen late at night… when I'm safely in my locked flat. But I just freak myself out anyway. And that leads me to the second thing I need to do differently… I need to smile more. Yesterday I was walking home from the tube stop, and this guy hollers out his window, "Would it kill you to smile, lady?!" I wanted to holler right back, "No, it won't kill me, but according to the newspaper something else might, which is why I'm not smiling in the first place!" Instead I just ignored him and walked faster. Jerk.

I feel like this has turned into a stressful week for me. There have just been a couple of big things that have piled up to make me feel daunted… which is one of the things I most hate feeling. On Monday, my boss told me that he wants me to do an entire marketing campaign for this office within the greater London area. He'd like it done within a couple of months. Completely impossible… even for someone who loves marketing, and that's certainly not my attitude towards it. Also, it's being difficult to get on the payroll here for a handful of reasons, and that's frustrating. Maybe a little more than frustrating... the longer I'm not on payroll, the longer I go without a paycheck. London is expensive... you get the picture. I know how to be a penny pincher and cook cheap meals, but things could get interesting here. If you want to join me in praying about this, I wouldn't complain.

So, here I am in London struggling to trust Jesus, just like I always do. Over and over again, He takes care of me, but as soon as one thing goes wrong, I panic and stop trusting him and try to do it myself. I worry and stress, and that whole idea of being laid back flies out the window. I'm trying to work on it, but it takes conscious thought, and stressing comes as second nature to me, unfortunately.

I know that I promised that I wouldn't be an emotional blogger, but I'm not sure I can hold to that right now. If I had a plethora of people to talk to, this post would have been about how much I love nutella toast and sudokus after work. But I don't have a plethora of people; I have Lisa and a blog. So, this is what it is.

But for the record, I do really love nutella toast and doing sudokus after work.

And also for the record, I miss you guys a lot. I think of you often, and that's when I smile.

I've just included a few pics here... the rest are on facebook. Or, family, the rest are with my mom. Email her if you want more. Ironically, I'm smiling like crazy in all these pictures, which doesn't really mesh with the tone of this post. However, I've been socially constructed to smile in pictures, and it's also possible proof that I am still happy here... regardless of how frustrating this week has been.